This is a honest and word filled post. So read on if you're into that sort of thing :)
So, here is the thing. Life has not been so easy the past few months. It is hard to face the reality that you are not full of joy and just thrilled when from the outside, everything looks like you should be. I just got married to the best man I could ever imagine for myself, graduated college, I have a job in these tough times for many and I have people that genuinely love and care for me (but none that I can call to have coffee on a whim or a bad day). All of it sounds really great and a lot of it is, being married has been my favorite life transition thus far. But the other stuff, really, really sucks. I am living in this place without any friends. My job provides me no social interaction. The church we go to has very few people even close to my age, I am closer in age to the high schoolers that my husband works with than anyone else....
to be totally transparent, it sucks.
I don't say these things for sympathy, I say them because they are true and honest. And sometimes I need to just be honest and say that everything is not ok. This season of life that should be full of joy has been full of a lot of breakdowns and tears (And I thank Jesus all the time for giving me a man who is patient and kind and loves me through all the snotty tear filled nights).
The thing about all this is I know it is just a season. I know that this too shall pass. There are so many things that do bring me joy. So many moments that I feel so thrilled...but I feel like all of those moments are for not because those moments are easily overshadowed by the intense times of loneliness. The times that I think "I can't wait to see what life brings after this."
I started reading a book today and I think that it was written for me in this moment right now. I was reading and there was a part that said this:
" I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I
always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my
head, I was always one step away....And through all this waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by
day, and I am waiting to start. I am waiting for that time, that person. that event when my life will
finally begin." - Shauna Niequist (Cold Tangerines)
I read that and literally felt like she had to have been inside my brain to have written this. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm here, in this place, waiting. Waiting for what? I don't know...anything...but all that waiting is preventing me from living here and now. It is keeping me from joy that abounds! It is preventing me from being the woman, the wife, the friend, daughter etc. that I am supposed to be. I am letting the unknowns of life and the waiting on things that, in all reality, may never come steal my joy! So not cool. This isn't the way I want to live and this isn't the way I was meant to live.
So, here is to choosing joy. here is to daily reminding myself (lets be honest it will probably be multiple times through the day) that I don't need to wait for life because life is happening all around me. My life is happening every moment and I am missing it.
I know this is a lot and I hope that this maybe speaks to you or inspires you...If any of this at all resonates with you I would definitely recommend picking up the book "Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life" Have a great weekend. I have the next 2 weeks off! So, maybe you will be hearing more from me or maybe I will be off living life ;)
With love from a hope and joy filled woman,